Belonging
by Annabelle Crane
Summary: ON HIATUS - Bobby and Alex look back over everything that has happened in the past few months and years. Things have changed he is in therapy. She drives him. Bobby/Alex Warnings: Season 10 Spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own any of the characters that you recognize. All the rights belong to TPTB who had the nerve to cancel the show.

Title: Belonging  
>Author: Annabelle Crane<br>Genre: General, Angst  
>PairingCharacters: Bobby/Alex  
>Rating: T<br>Summary: Bobby reflects on his therapy sessions and his job  
>Warnings: Season 10 Spoilers<br>Notes: Feedback is good for my soul, and for yours too :D

**Acknowledgments**: Much thanks to my pre-reader Diane (andromida1964). She is awesome!

Belonging by Annabelle Crane

He really could not believe how things ended up this way. He was sitting in a car next to her and he had lied, again. She knew that he was lying but she did not call him on it. They were both scared, terrified actually. Ask them to face down the biggest evil serial killer, sure no problem. Ask them to talk about their feelings; well they both would rather be water tortured. At least he would.

So there Bobby Goren sat, next to his partner, Alex Eames. His mind was trying to focus on the details that she was sharing about the crime scene they were going to. However, he kept drifting back to his therapy sessions, mulling over each one.

Why had he reacted so violently to the idea of someone questioning his relationship with Eames? He and she both knew that their relationship was strictly professional; they never gave any hint to having any kind of relationship than friendship. Sure, he felt protective of her. She had been his only consistent partner, putting up with him for a decade. She could have moved ahead in the ranks but instead she stood up for him and was willing to give up her chance to be a Captain. She had felt so morally tainted by having to fire him that she could no longer stand to be part of NYPD.

He actually had to beg her to come back when Hannah made Captain and asked him to come back. He had told Hannah that there was no way that he could come back without Eames. That day Hannah gave him a strange look and the speculation of outsiders started, again.

"It's not like that Joe," he shook his head at his long time friend. "You know me."

"Yeah, I know what a good liar you can be when you want to be," Hannah had replied.

Eventually Hannah gave in and offered Eames her job back. She was not going to take it.

"It's not right Bobby," she huffed at him. They were sitting in a diner. "Why should we go back? How is it going to be any different? They still don't trust you."

"I know," he said. He rubbed his hand over his face and through his hair. "But, think about Alex, they are letting me go back. I'll get my full status back. It is really a win."

"You'll have to go to therapy," she countered. "You hate that idea of going, they know you won't comply."

"I know," he leaned back and closed his eyes. "But what choice do I have. I am too old to learn how to do anything else."

"You are not old," she said and then laughed. "Okay, maybe a little old. But I am sure there are a lot of things you can do. Like guest lecture or something like that."

"And what about you?" He looked at her. "What are you going to do?"

She broke eye contact with him and looked out the window. "Eat bon-bons and get fat." Then she laughed and looked back at him. "I don't know Bobby, but I'll figure it out. I can do some part time work as a security guard or something. Maybe take a few courses at Queensborough CC."

"You would hate community college," he told her flatly.

She shook her head again, for the twentieth time in the last hour, "Probably. That still does not mean that jumping back into bed with NYPD would be a good idea." He gave her a look and she swatted at his hand. "You know what I mean. I really do not like the idea of mandatory therapy for you, the whole thing seems like a setup."

"It probably is," he nodded thoughtfully. "But I will be the best uncooperative patient ever."

"Don't joke," she glared at him. "You know if you are not compliant or found unfit to return to full duty they will re-fire you in a heartbeat, there will be no chance of probation."

"I'll be good," he lied to her. "Promise, there will only be full cooperation from me. As long as you agree to go back with me."

She crossed her arms in front of him. And then let out a breath. "I know I am going to regret this, but fine. I will go back but you have to get your butt reinstated fully because I am not staying there without you."

"No," he snapped. She jumped slightly. "Sorry," he took her hands gently in his. "Promise me that whatever happens you won't quit again."

"I can't promise that," she replied. "I won't work for hypocrites."

He should have told her at that moment that she would not be able to work with him. He was the biggest hypocrite that he knew. Luring his partner back into job security; knowing full well that he would not be able to stay himself. Therapy would not be for him, he knew that at the time, but he promised her that he would try.

So when Hannah forced him to go to his first session he did. He did not want to; he knew that it would not go well, and that with each passing session he would be getting closer to his last day of employment by the NYPD.

He was borderline hostile with Dr. Gyson. She was new and represented a threat that was going to take him away from everything that he cared about. Everything he had left in his life; of course he was hostile. Was it healthy that he had nothing in his life other than the NYPD? No, of course not, but he did not need to hear that from her.

"How did it go?" Alex asked him tentatively after his first session. He shrugged his response. "Bobby," her voice had a warning tone to it.

"I didn't yell at her," he offered.

"Well that's something," she let out a sigh. He knew it was a sigh of relief. "Come on, we have to get back to One PP. Hannah wants a word."

That was the end of that conversation. His next few sessions went much the same way. She always dropped him off and picked him up; he knew it was because she did not trust him to go of his own volition. It should bother him but he knew that she just cared. When he got back into the car she always asked him how it went, he always made a non-committal response. She never pressed for answers, she never would.

Not until the day that he came out of the session early and raging.

"Bobby!" she was shocked. "Bobby what happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he seethed in the passenger seat. "They are going to take my badge back. You were right; this whole thing was a setup. I am not going back there and talking to that, that woman!"

"Okay," she tried to sound calm. "Well then, we'll just finish this case up and we'll both go in and hand in our badges."

"No!" he shouted at her. He turned her and saw the anger in her eyes. "You can't just quit Alex. You deserve to be there."

"So do you!" she shouted back at him. "You are the smartest one there; no one there can do what you do."

"You can't throw away your career just because," he struggled. "Because I am unstable. Maybe they are right, maybe I am not safe to be around, and you should get as far away from me as possible, before I bring you down with me."

"No," she shook her head at him. Her face was red with her own anger and tears had started to well up in her eyes. "You don't get to do this! You do not get to decide what is right or wrong for me. And you most certainly do not get to give up." She grabbed his face in her small hands and forced him to look at her. "You listen to me Bobby, there is nothing about you that is unstable. Sure, sometimes you go too far," she smiled when he rolled his eyes. "Okay all the time, but that is what makes you such a good Detective. You are able to push the boundaries that the rest of us can't. Of course it is bound to have an effect on you." She sighed. "I know you don't want to hear this right now but, therapy has been good for you. You have been more relaxed. You have been nicer to the other officers. You are sleeping better."

"How do you know I am sleeping better," he tried to joke.

She laughed, "I have my ways. The point is that this has been good for you and you can't just give up because it got hard."

"It wasn't just hard," he frowned. "She said, well I can't even, it's just not. I can't go back there."

"Okay," she released his face and sighed. "You don't have to go back but you can't just give up, not if you aren't going to let me quit too," she winked at him.

"You play dirty." He laughed at her. "Alright, I won't give up just yet. I'll give it a week. But I am not going back there. Not to her, she is a crack pot."

"Aren't all therapists?" she smiled at him.

He did go back. It had taken a lot of coaxing from her though. She begged, offered him the Santa Mug, and then downright threatened to kidnap him and drag him kicking and screaming to Dr. Gyson. He would have paid good money to see that happen. What would Dr. Gyson have said about that, given the fact that she thought that he was in love with his partner.

Then it was time for his last session, he did not know if he was more scared or relieved. He went by himself this time. Alex had paperwork that she had to finish up and he slipped out while she was in Hannah's office. Today was the day Dr. Gyson would tell him if he would be allowed to stay in Major Crimes and it would be easier to hear the news knowing if Alex was safe at One PP and not waiting for him. If he was going to be walking out of the session without his badge he wanted to make sure that she was the last to find out.

When he walked through the doors of Dr. Gyson's office he could not quite believe it, he still would be able to work with Alex. Dr. Gyson was not going to take his job away which meant he would still be able to work with Alex every day. Then he stopped, and shook his head. What was wrong with him? This was not supposed to be about her, other than making sure she had her job back. This was supposed to be about him, making sure that he was able to work again. He was going to be dealing with his anger management issues because otherwise he would get fired again. Not because if he got fired he would probably never see her again, right?

"Hey space cadet," she waved her hand in front of his face. "We are here."

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"That last session was really that good huh?" she gave him a smug look. "Be careful or I'll have to report you to Hannah."

"Hardly," he shook his head at her. "She's not my type."

"Sure," she dragged out the word. "Smart and pretty, not your type."

"I've always preferred blondes," he shrugged and quickly exited the car before she could respond.

She did not say anything and they walked quietly into the bank. She went over to the officers and started to take notes from them. He started to look over the crime scene. He could do this, he could make things go back to normal; just ignore everything that he was going through.

He honestly could not believe that he came that close to admitting it. After all these years, he had buried his feelings so far down that he barely even realized they were there. Stupid, freaking therapy! Still, there was no denying it, he belonged to her. He could never tell her, she would run scared and he could not afford to lose her. Dr. Gyson was right, he was not just the job. He was, and probably always would be, property of Alexandra Eames. He just had to make sure no one ever found out, especially her.

"Well, they are pulling security tapes," she started to say to him as she made her way back. "Hey, you sure you're okay Bobby?"

"I'm fine," he forced a smile. "Back to work."

**A/N:** _**Follow me on twitter (AFCrane) and don't forget to leave feedback. Please!**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: Of course I do not own LOCI or any of the characters that come from the series. All of those rights and claims belong to those people at NBC, Universal, and Dick Wolf

**Author's Note:** I am pretty sure there will be at least one more chapter. After that I don't know. We will see. I hope you all like it. Remember, please leave a contribution in the little box (aka feedback)

A big thank you to andromida1964 (DianeSue) who was my beta/pre-reader for this. She is awesome!

Oh yeah, and if you follow me on twitter I will follow you back :D I'm afcrane

**Belonging**  
><em>by Annabelle<em>

**Chapter 2**

Alex was exhausted; it had been an absurdly long week. Between the overtime from the Kismet case and the bank robbery that required working with the Feds she felt like she had worked four weeks in the last few days. It could have been worse; the therapy really did seem to be doing something for her partner. Normally she would have secretly worried that he would say or do something that would offend the federal agents, landing him back on probation. This time whenever he was about to explode because the agents could not follow his logic he looked at her and just shook his head and walked away. He still was not good at communicating but she had been working with him so long she knew that it was up to her to translate to the Feds, and they seemed to appreciate it.

On days like today she sometimes would catch herself letting her mind wander. What would it be like if she did get another partner? Would she be able to share the responsibility of dealing with unpleasantries such as having to deal with federal liaisons? Would their case load increase because they would have a backlog of open cases? Would she be able to date? Alex always stopped when she came to that thought. It did not matter and just made her feel guilty when she started thinking about getting another partner. After all, the only reason she came back to Major Case was because of him. Sure, he was the reason she left, but now he was the reason she stayed.

"I really don't know why you are going back," her friend and mentee Jenny said. They were meeting for their weekly lunch dates. "I thought you were going to figure something else out."

"They want him back, he won't go back without me," she shrugged.

Jenny shook her head, "That's what I mean Alex. They totally took you for granted there. You were just your partner's babysitter to them, now is your chance to branch out; become your own person. I say if you come back then you should come to Vice. You would be made captain in no time, you know that."

"Jenny," Eames scolded her. "Look you are just starting out. Which is why your supervisor asked you to start meeting with me. Since I am no longer an officer he doesn't have to make any reports about you. Which is good for you and for him. You see things are not always so clear cut on the job. It isn't always us versus them."

"Come on Alex," Jenny groaned. "This is not about me and my utter lack of political tact. This is about you and your career. You were going somewhere before you decided to, um, leave. I mean Stevenson told me they wanted to make you Captain of Major Case. Now that would have been something. I might have transferred if you took it."

"You aren't even a junior detective," Alex smirked. "I wouldn't have accepted your request. "

"Aw, come on," Jenny laughed. "You know you would've killed to have me. I'm smart and I take care of that pesky EEO ratio the department has, being a minority and a woman."

Alex rolled her eyes at her younger friend. "Jenny, it's that kind of attitude that will keep you from getting further up the ranks. It isn't just about demographics, it's about skill, attitude, and yes, teamwork."

"Fizzle," Jenny flopped further into her chair. "Okay Yoda Alex, I guess we have moved onto our lecture part of this meeting."

"Right is you," Alex smiled at her. They spent the rest of their time talking about the various issues that Jenny had with the other officers in her department and how she could better handle situations that she encountered.

She knew that it was her choice to come back. She did not have to go back and the department probably did not want her back after she turned down their very generous offer. She did not even have to go back for him. Not after the way that he had violated her trust, it may have been just one time, or several times, but she remembered that one time. That time was the worst time, when he dug into her husband's case. After that time she could never see him the same, and it was his fault. He could not leave well enough alone and he forced her to confront the emotions that she had so carefully buried.

After that no one would ever think her a monster for just calling it quits. It was her right, even though she knew that she could never do that to him. No matter how much she wanted to just throw up her hands and walk away from him she knew that she would always come back. It made no sense at all, it was nonsense. He was not her type; it had nothing to do with his looks. If it was based on looks she would have… Well, she liked things nice and simple and he was anything but simple. So as far as she was concerned there was really nothing there, at least from a logical stand point.

"I've got it," Jenny declared to her a week before she was due to start at Major Case.

"Got what?" Alex laughed at her. They had been talking about some other cases she and Bobby had worked on and she really saw no reason for Jenny to interrupt her.

"Oh come on Alex," Jenny laughed at her. "You can't tell me that you never…"

"I never?" Alex was confused

"Wow, okay then," Jenny became very interested in her salad again. "Never mind." She shoved a fork full of salad into her mouth.

Alex gave her a look. "No, what were you going to say? You seemed to have made some kind of stunning revelation while listening to me talk, so spit it out, and I'm not talking about your salad."

Jenny chewed slowly. "Well," she started but then paused. She started to spear her lettuce again. "You know, at first it didn't make any sense. Why you would go back to work for a department that basically made you sell yourself and your partner out? So, I finally got someone in Vice to tell me what happened." Jenny smiled when Alex raised her eyebrow at the other girl. "Who knew that it would be so hard to get cops to gossip, but apparently if you bring them enough good coffee they will squawk."

"So, you were wondering why I would go back after all that," Alex tried to steer the girl back on track.

"Yep, I mean, you wouldn't even be captain again. Sure you would be the senior partner but still," Jenny frowned trying to find the words. "It would have been like taking a step back. You had been moving forward and now you would just get stuck in the same rut all over again. And I know you, I mean not as well as other people, but I can just tell from our meetings that you are not someone who likes to be stuck in a rut."

"I don't consider being a senior detective as stuck in a rut," Alex countered.

"Maybe not for some people," Jenny replied. "But look at everything that you have done. You worked so hard, you should have been made Captain when Deakins retired, but they brought someone from the outside instead. You finally get the chance and you walk away. So, from my outsider perspective, it's almost like your partner was holding you back. And why go back to that?"

Alex gritted her teeth and tried to say very calmly, "Bobby Goren was not and is not holding me back."

"Well, yes he is," Jenny shrugged. "You guys may have like the highest solve rate in Major Case but he is like me, he has no political finesse, which can hold a partner back, isn't that what you told me back when we first started meeting?"

Alex was seething at this point. How dare this, this child, throw her words back at her. "Jenny-"

"No wait," she pleaded. "Don't be mad. Sorry, foot in mouth moment. It's not like I think your partner is the bad guy. I think he is great, well from what I've heard from you about him."

"Talk fast," Alex hissed out at the young woman.

"Okay, okay," Jenny took in a deep breath. "So I could not really understand why you would put yourself in that situation again, but just now, listening to you talk about him it dawned on me. You never have dated, that anyone knows about, and come on, women have needs. So it was like totally obvious, at least to me," she paused and then quickly said. "You guys are clearly hooking up, maybe are in love. That's why you are going back."

Alex's mouth just dropped open.

"Yep," Jenny sighed. "I should've just stuck with never mind." She began to pick at her salad again. "But you said you never did anything and I believe you, so I was wrong. You should've let me stick with never mind." Jenny looked up at her again and frowned. "Don't be mad, I am just being silly. What do I know?"

Alex felt her mouth snap shut. Then she took a deep breath. Slowly and carefully she said, "You haven't shared your insight with anyone have you?"

"What?" Jenny gave her a horrified look. "No, of course not Alex! I just came up with it anyway. And even if I hadn't just thought of it I still would have never said anything to anyone. I am not totally stupid."

The rest of lunch had been incredibly awkward. Jenny kept apologizing for even saying anything. Alex was not mad at her so much as shocked that Jenny had so easily come to the same conclusion that she was sure that the entire Major Case Squad had developed over the years of her partnership with Bobby.

She was not an idiot. She had heard the whispers throughout the years. First it had been that she put up with Goren because she wanted to get commendation medals. Then it was that she was ambitious and wanted to make Captain. Finally after four years of her not requesting a new partner, and getting passed over for commendations the gossip turned into her sleeping with him. It did not help that they were more in sync than any other partnership in Major Case. Or that when she had been put on desk duty while she was carrying her sister's baby that he was almost unbearable.

Honestly she did not know what to do. She could not talk to anyone about this, it was too late. She was scheduled to start back in three days. If she called Bobby he would just feel guilty and give her the most painful looks. She did not want to deal with that. If she told her brother or sister they would call her dad who would just lecture her about how she just had to suck it up. That this was just the way things were with women on the force being partnered with men. So, she did what she always did, she pushed it aside. She ignored the sideways glances that people gave her when she and Bobby settled back at their desks and she let their whispers just fall on deaf ears.

"I heard an interesting rumor today," Jenny told her while she tried to cut through a piece of overcooked tofu. It was almost two months after she had returned to Major Case.

"If it's about a position opening up in Vice I don't want to hear it," Alex replied and took a sip of her ice tea.

"No," Jenny shook her head. "You already missed that window of opportunity." Jenny gave her a smug look. "Any guesses?"

"I'm still not dating Goren," Alex rolled her eyes at her young friend.

Jenny laughed, "Oh I know that, if you were you would be a lot nicer. Nope, that's not what I heard at all."

"Ignoring your comment on my attitude, I give up," Alex was very sure that she did not hear whatever the rumor was, but given that it probably had something to do with her she figured she probably should at least arm herself with some knowledge. "What did you hear?"

"Goren has the hots for his psychologist," Jenny popped the tofu in her mouth and started to chew.

It was all Alex could do not to spit out her tea. She started to cough and sputter to stop herself form chocking. "How the hell did you hear that and from whom?"

"Oh you know how it goes," Jenny waved her hand absently. "They will talk about anything. I mean we all know it's not true but since they can't prove that he is, well checking your oil-"

"JENNY!"

"Their words not mine," Jenny shrugged.

"I am not sure teaching you to get along with your colleagues is working to your benefit," she frowned at the young woman. "You are becoming quiet crass."

"Side effect of Vice."

"How much of the police force is made up of men?" Alex kept coughing while she slowly sipped on her drink.

"Um," Jenny thought for a moment. "Well they still make up a majority but if this is something that I need to know for some kind of test I'll figure it out."

Alex shook her head, "No, it's just everyone always says women are the worst gossips."

"Not in the NYPD," Jenny grinned. "They give a whole new definition to the word Alpha Male."

So for the next few weeks she watched him. Every time she picked him up from one of his sessions to see if there was anything different about his demeanor, something that she had not noticed before. It really should not have bothered her. So what if he likes his therapist, it would at least make it easier for him to talk to her. Bobby could be a charmer when he wanted to be, she knew that all too well.

There were no visible signs though. He still wore the same kind of specially tailored suits he always wore. He never bothered to do anything with his hair; it was starting to become unruly. She pointed it out to him by reaching over and scrunching some of it in her hand. He just smiled at her, one of his rare sincere smiles; she thought she stopped breathing for a moment. Then she withdrew her hand and mumbled to him something about regulations and he laughed at her.

Things were going well up until the day that he had come out of the office in a rage. She never did figure out why he had been so upset. She calmed him down. He told her that she was the only person that could do that, he would never be able to just stop his hostility like that for anyone else. She knew then she was in trouble. How could she ever leave him? In that moment she knew that there was nothing in the world that she would not do to protect him. That was why she had to force him to go back to therapy.

Bobby had been going over some leads and Hannah had called her into his office and asked her to sit down; never a good sign.

"I'm worried Alex," Hannah said. "I heard that things did not go well in his last session."

Alex nodded at him, "I don't know what happened sir but he insists that he will not go back."

"That is pretty much the feeling I got from the doctor. I asked her to call me and talk with me before she did any formal reporting." Hannah sighed, "He has to go back Alex."

"You can't make him go back, he won't. He'll just walk out," Alex's tone reflected her certainty she had in her statement.

Hannah nodded. "He won't go back for me," he said pointedly, "but he'll go back for you." Alex started to protest but he held up his hand. "You are the only one that can reason with him, so reason with him. Otherwise this whole thing will be for nothing and he will go back to being a shell of a person. Without this job you know he has nothing."

What could she say to that? It was true. She knew it was true, without this job Bobby had nothing left. His mother and his brother were both gone and he was not close enough to the rest of his family for them to even register on his radar. He was not emotionally stable enough to do any type of adjunct teaching without getting fired half way through the semester and being a rent a cop would just bore him out of his mind. A bored Bobby was never good, for anyone.

So she cajoled him, well threatened him, until he finally said that he would go back. He was awkward again when he went back. She made him promise that he would not yell at the doctor, he told her not to ask him to make promises that she knew he would not be able to keep. She sighed and squeezed his hand before he got out of the car and went in.

When she started working on a final bit of paperwork to prepare the case on Danielle Edwards for the DA she did not notice that he had slipped out. It was not until Hannah told her about the bank robbery that she realized that she had missed the time for Bobby's last appointment. She knew he did not drive there, he took a cab. This was his final mandated session; she was slightly hurt that he did not want her there with him. Sure, maybe he was nervous that things would not go well, but she knew better, she knew that he would no longer be on probation.

As she climbed into the SUV she tried to reason with herself. She should not be upset, it was therapy, people are supposed to do it alone. It was presumptuous of her in the first place to force herself on him by driving him back and forth to his sessions. At first he seemed upset, but then he had assented to the treatment telling her that it made sense in case they had to go to a crime scene and she was really the only person out there that would keep him honest. Had she just convinced herself that he did not mind her invading his private life? No, well, maybe, no, right? Bobby had wanted her there, right? Now she was not sure.

After she put the car in park she tried to collect herself. He should be coming out in a minute and she did not want him to pick up on her disappointment. If he wanted to go to a session by himself that was a good thing, it meant he was making real progress. He was preoccupied though, so she was able to let out a sigh of relief when they arrived at the crime scene. She thought things were going to go back to normal; until he made his comment about blondes.

That was really the reason that she was sitting on her couch staring up at the ceiling. That one comment had rocked her preciously balanced world. Yes, it was okay for her to occasionally wake up and realize that she had been dreaming about him. That was normal; he was someone she had worked closely with for more than ten years. It was not okay for her to wake up every single morning wondering why her house felt so empty and then having the person come to mind be him.

Things had really started to be good between them again. They had fallen into a pattern of work and partnership that was so much like the one they used to have. How could her feelings now start messing everything up? Sure, they had been through a lot. Yes, she had rescued him and he had rescued her more times than she cared to count; but that just meant they had a natural admiration for each other.

"This must be some kind of Stockholm Syndrome," she told the empty room. She waited for her mind to hit some kind of reset button so she could just go back to her nice and simple partnership. That did not happen, the phone rang instead.

She reached over to the side table without looking at the caller ID and pressed the talk button, "Eames."

"You hungry?" the sound of his voice made her heart stop.

Finally when she felt like she could talk again she said, "Do you have my place bugged or something?"

He laughed a real and genuine laugh. The sound of his laughter did things to her that made her very glad that they were separated by several miles. "No Alex," from his tone she could tell he was smiling again. "I just know."

"Whatever," she smiled at the phone. "Yes, I am hungry."

"Good, I'll meet you at the bar in fifteen minutes."

"You're more than thirty minutes away," she countered

"I already left," he told her, as if it should have been obvious to her.

It was her turn to laugh. "Fine, twist my arm. I'll see you there."

She hung up the phone. As she passed by the hall mirror she unconsciously started to comb her hands through her hair. Then she realized she was primping. She stopped and looked in the mirror for a good minute. "Well I'm already going to hell," she sighed. She walked to her bathroom and dabbed on the slightest hint of makeup. Then she grabbed her keys and walked out the door before she could give anymore thought to what she was starting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Of course I do not own LOCI or any of the characters that come from the series. All of those rights and claims belong to those people at NBC, Universal, and Dick Wolf

**Author's Note:** Sorry this took so long! I have been having a host of RL stuff happen. Then I sprained my ankle and was laid up for awhile. Anyway, I promise to update at least once every two weeks until this story is done. Remember, please leave a contribution in the little box (aka feedback)

A big thank you to andromida1964 (DianeSue) who was my beta/pre-reader for this. She is awesome!

Oh yeah, and if you follow me on twitter I will follow you back :D I'm afcrane

**Belonging**

_by Annabelle_

Chapter 3

This was not a date, at least that was what Bobby Goren kept telling himself. He had just called her and asked her to meet him for dinner; that did not mean that this was a date. He had called her for dinner a few times before, well a very few. About three times a year they would meet, outside of work related parties, celebrations, or memorials. He always felt like it was a burden on her if she had to meet him outside of the work place. Sure, having Chinese while working late on a case is one thing, but to actually meet up when they were not on a case, where there was no criminal that they had to brainstorm about, well he felt like he was imposing on her if he wanted to be that involved in her personal life.

Still, she never seemed to mind. The first time he called it was early in their partnership, after they had been working with each other for three months. None of his other partners had lasted that long but she did and Deakins had suggested that he make an effort to build some type of comradeship with her. Even though it went against his better judgment Bobby listened, he was tired of being paired with different partners, and Eames had been tolerable, at times even pleasant to be around.

That was new for him; he never really enjoyed the company of other members of the police force. He could make friends, but his partners before Eames were so off put by his methods and leaps of logic that they decided it was better to shun him than understand him. At first Eames had been like that but then there was a case, it involved a kid, and she seemed impressed by the way that he had been able to communicate with the boy. He was not trying to show off, it had just happened. After that she asked more questions and challenged him to explain his train of thought, he enjoyed that.

He was not an idiot though; he knew that he was not her favorite person by a long shot. So he carefully interlaced questions over the next few days to find out where one of her favorite places to go was. He was not thrilled that it was close to her house, which meant a thirty minute drive for him. However, he knew that getting her to come to a place that she was comfortable with would be a lot easier than trying to get her to go to a place that he would prefer. Despite what some people, including Dr. Gyson, may think he did have social graces, especially in the early years of their partnership.

When he asked if she had plans the first time he could see the wheels turning in her head, she was trying to see if she could come up with an excuse. Then she relented and they had agreed at a time to meet. He caught her trying to look at her watch once but did not say anything. They chatted amicably for an hour before her phone rang. She looked at it quickly and then excused herself for a minute. He expected her to come back with some pre-planned excuse to leave; he would not have questioned her if she did, even though things seemed to be going well. She just slide back onto the bar stool and asked him to continue the story that he had been telling her.

After that things did go more smoothly in their partnership. They were not prefect but they did work much better together and each developed an understanding of how the other thought. So they kept meeting, occasionally, for dinner. Always at the same place, a traditional Irish bar. It was something that you would have normally found in South Boston but here it was in the middle of Queens. It was not overly popular but there was enough clientele that the owner probably never worried about ending up in the black at the end of the month.

So he sat, in a booth not on a bar stool. Part of him regretted the choice. He should have just sat at the bar, it would be less of a statement. However, they always ate dinner in a booth. Maybe he shouldn't have ordered her drink. Sure it was only beer, but what if she did not show up? Then he would have to drink it and he really did not feel like chancing the fact that he might get pulled over on the way back to his apartment. He checked his watch again, for the fifth time; she was not late, not yet. Why was he so nervous? This was not a date.

Five more minutes went by and the drinks came, she was not coming. His phone would be ringing in a minute, he was sure of it. He slowly brought his beer glass to his mouth and sipped through the foam. The beer was dark but it was still much lighter than anything else he would normally have. He could easily drink hers and be fine. He checked his watch again and missed her coming through the door.

Alex almost laughed when she saw him looking at his watch but instead she just quickly crossed the room before he looked up again. Then she said in a teasing tone, "I'm not that late." She slide into the booth across from him and picked up her drink. "See the beer is still cold."

He looked up at her and felt a smile tug on his lips. Bobby coconsciously tried to suppress it but he could tell it did not work. Her makeup had been reapplied and she had changed clothes. He felt his brain start to kick into high gear, trying to extrapolate the hidden meaning behind the new clothes and makeup but put a stop to it. This was not a date, the words were at the edge of his tongue but instead he said, "I was just worried that your drink would get warm."

"Well, I am sorry all the same," she smiled at him warmly. Alex knew that it would be up to her to keep the conversation going. She ran her finger along the bottom of her glass, trying to busy herself while she thought of something to say. Every topic that came to her seemed overly mundane and uninteresting. Finally she spoke, "These last few days have seemed like a lifetime."

"I'm sorry," Bobby blurted out before he could think about it.

Alex gave him a puzzled look. "Why?" Then before he could say something, "Did you have something to do with that bank robbery that I don't know about, because if so I really don't want to know."

"No," he shook his head. He wanted to smile at her wit but this was serious. "The therapy, the last session I just, I wasn't sure and well-"

"I knew," she held up her hand to stop him. "I knew that everything would be alright. Besides, I would have shot you if it wasn't, and I'm a good shot."

"Alex," Bobby said her name in the same way he did before she had to fire him.

They only had dinner for something important, she should have realized that. Her body tensed automatically, she felt the anger start to rise within her. "No," she gritted out. "You are not leaving me." She had meant to say Major Case, but it was the same thing.

"No," his hand shot out on pure reflex and grabbed hers. "No, I'm not leaving." He waited until she looked him in the eye again before he continued. "I just, I wanted you to know that the reason that I went to that last appointment alone was not because of you. I really appreciated how supportive you were." He sighed and tried to think of a way to explain to her what he had been thinking when he snuck out of the bullpen to go to his appointment. "I get that you knew that everything would turn out alright, but I, well I wasn't sure." He wanted desperately to let her know that she had no reason to worry. He would never leave her. With all of the words that he had available to him only three kept pounding on the forefront of his mind, but, he knew if he said them she would run. He would not be able to handle that. "I promised," he finally settled on. "When we went back, I promised I wouldn't leave and I won't."

Before she had a chance to respond a waitress came by to take their food order. He felt the loss of physical contact with her more deeply than he should when she pulled her hand back to pick up the menu. It was not right, he had to tread carefully but he was so consumed by her that it made it exceedingly difficult for him to keep himself in check; or to want to keep himself in check. She made him want to push his boundaries, even though he knew he could not.

"Bobby," her voice penetrated his thoughts. "You need to order something, when was the last time you ate?"

"Hmm," Bobby came back to the present. "Oh, um, I'll have a cheeseburger, medium rare."

"Sure thing," the dowdy waitress said. She took their menus and walked away.

Alex looked after her and snorted, "People just keep getting nicer and nicer today."

"Well she has been working for," Bobby paused for a second, "About five hours now; and her shoes are too small."

"You are being overly polite," Alex chuckled. "Alright, she is tired then. I just hope she gets our orders right."

"She will."

And the conversation just stopped. Bobby took a sip from his beer and Alex copied him. Water boarding; yes that would be easier than this. He honestly had no idea what was wrong with him. They have had dinner before; he should just be treating tonight like any other night. The problem was he did not want to treat it like just another colleague dinner, but he was unsure if she felt the same way, or even noticed how awkward he was feeling.

Alex sighed internally. Bobby was a smart man, very detailed oriented. She had no doubt that he noticed that she had changed her clothes, refreshed her makeup, and redid her hair. However, he was not acting any differently than he would for any other dinner that they had together. Yes, the situation was different, normally they would not have had dinner for another month and a half, he had extended the invitation early, but did that actually mean anything? At least he said he had no plans on leaving, in the back of her mind she really thought that dinner might be about that.

The minutes ticked by in silence until Alex was finally fed up. If he was not going to tell her why he asked her to dinner then she was going to use this opportunity to ask him the question that had been bothering her for the last several days. "Why," she started and then waited for him to look at her. When their eyes were locked she continued, "Why did you go to the last session without me? I mean even if you did think that things were not going to go your way, didn't you think that, well that I would want to be there." She quirked a smile at him, "I mean at the very least I could have threatened Gyson to sign off on your paperwork with my gun."

He smiled back at her, he had to. "I wouldn't have let you even if you were there. It would be no good to have both of us kicked off the force." He rubbed his hand over his face and then let out a small sigh. "I guess, well maybe, I was just worried that I would let you down if I didn't make it."

"Bobby," this time it was her hand that shot across the table to grab his. "I know how hard you've been working. Hell, I've been the one pushing you some of the time," they both knew she was referring to her getting him to go back to Gyson. "But if for some absurd reason you didn't get the okay to keep working I would have never felt that you had let me down, not ever."

"It's just," he stopped and tried to think of the right way to say everything that he wanted to say. "Look, I know that these past few years I haven't been the best to work with. Not that I was ever the ideal partner to begin with but I know that I've gotten worse. Actually, there were a few times that I thought for sure that you would tell everyone that you were just done with me," he tried to joke to lighten the mood. She did not return his smile. "Sorry, it's not that I think less of you, I just know that things have not always been smooth sailing. And with me that probably will never be. I might get back to the way I was before," he stopped trying to think back to the last time he felt the most in control of his emotions. The time could not come to him but he assumed things got worse after Frank had been killed. "I've been consumed with this, this anger and resentment for so long, I just don't know if I will ever be the same."

Alex was thrown off by what he was saying. He would never be simple, never be completely unbroken, and he was admitting that. There was a voice screaming in her head to run, run fast and never look back. That did not happen; instead she was rooted in the booth with her hand in his. "I don't care," she finally said. She squeezed his hand and did not lessen her grip. "I don't care."

"Okay," he let out a breath. "Then you're stuck with me. For as long as you can stand me, you are stuck with me."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Alex laughed.

Then their food came. The mood in the room shifted and the window that had opened to allow them to speak about their emotions, in their convoluted way, slammed shut. They both heard it and seemed to visibly relax, knowing that they were done with the serious portion of the evening. The rest of the night was spent talking about the various FBI agents that they had dealt with and mess of paperwork that they had left behind. She grumbled that if they were going to insist on taking over the case the least they could do was fill out the proper paperwork instead of dumping it on them. He smiled at her complaints and interjected comments at the right intervals. For two hours and fifteen minutes he almost felt like his old self, the person who knew how to conduct himself on a date, who could pick up on the mood of his companion and respond accordingly. Even though this was not a date, he reminded himself several times, but it could be one, maybe, next time, but not tonight.

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><p>Anon Feedback Responses:<p>

To Sell: Thank you for your feedback. I won't stop the story until it is finished, I promise. And when it is finished I'm sure that I'll write other Law and Order CI fic because I really do love Alex and Bobby

To Teribin: Thank you! I hope you keep reading it. Sorry this update took longer than I wanted it to.


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